Monday, September 13, 2010

I choose

The past couple of days I have been feeling a little blue. I feel like my life doesn't really have any purpose right now.
I am taking only two classes at Gila Pueblo Community College. I pretty much stay at home the rest of the time. Zach leaves for work at 4:30 in the morning, and most days I go right to bed. I set my alarm for seven, but then ignore it and sleep until nine. I then lay around reading, or playing computer all day. I barely get housework done before Zach gets home that afternoon. I had done some job searching but I decided that I don't want to be tied to a job. I want to be able to go with Zach to Safford on the weekends when he works on his projects. I don't want to have to go straight from work to class, and not see Zach until bedtime. I want to be able to do all my housework before he gets home so that we can spend the evening together. I have let myself become a lazy, overweight, slob with almost no motivation to change.
Right now I hate the way I am feeling. I hate what I have let myself become. I want to be better than this. I know I am better than this. I want to go volunteer at the hospital. Maybe even the school. I want to bounce out of bed when the alarm goes off, no matter how early, like I did in high school after staying up all night. I want to eat healthier, and loose some weight. I want to keep the house clean because I want it clean; not because I don't want to disappoint Zach with how lazy I am, or once the the house as become a disaster have a pity party over my bad housekeeping skills. I want my life to have meaning. To have a purpose. I don't want it to be spent laying around all day and waiting until last minute to do homework, or housework.
I have projects to do. I have all the materials to do Zach's mission scrapbook. I want to pull the weeds by our apartment, and make it look a little better. I want to start crocheting. I want to go walking more and explore Besh ba Gowa (some Indian ruins), and find the lake (I think it is Roosevelt lake, but I am not quite sure). I want to exercise more. I want to be able to entertain friends and family. Mostly I want to be genuinely happy. I haven't admitted to anyone, not even myself until now. I am not happy right now. Not completely. There isn't any one thing I am unhappy about. I am just unhappy in general. The only thing I am happy about is my wonderful husband. He is so good to me. No matter how ditsy/blonde I am, no matter how forgetful, I know Zach loves me. I couldn't ask for a better husband.
Starting now I am going to pull myself out of this pit. I have been told that everything is a choice. Well, I choose to be happy. I choose to become a better person. I choose to work harder, and do less laying around. I choose.

1 comment:

  1. After a good night's sleep I am feeling quite a bit better. Still not perfect but better.